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October 31, 2012
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The Lion's Dream by Everlasting90 The Lion's Dream by Everlasting90

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This is a unofficial snippet from my story "The Ever Changing." Feedback is truly appreciated. The picture of the lion and the swan is from wallpaper sites.

:icondonotuseplz::iconmyartplz:

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:iconpedigri:
Pedigri Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
There's a lot of venom coming from Irixian's comment I noticed, a pro he thinks himself to be shouldn't use destructive criticism that relies on generalisations that aren't really helpful. A true pro would take the time to point out all the things he finds wrong, because it makes him look like he doesn't know what he's talking about and tries to hide it by pretending to be an expert. His comment shows a lot of arrogance (I graced you with reading beyond the first few lines, be thankful to your god).

Though there are things you could work on, this work has its advantages. First of all, the lofty, poetic lenguage created a thick, immersing atmosphere. The sentences looked finely selected, there didn't seem to be filler. You created a great sense of mystery - sure the events taking place in the dream aren't interesting on their own, but you described them in a captivating way. I kept thinking it's a free verse poem and kept looking for rhymes. None stood ouyt, yet the flow is beautiful. You created great tension, I wanted to read further and find out what that noise was, what will happen next. The language is complex yet not pretentious (sure, some may think atramentous or gorgonizing are an example of that, but I love both words, they sound very poetic and beautiful. It sure as hell sounds better than inky, inkly, ink-coloured. The imagery is amazing. I could imagine all the scenery. My ceveat is that the ending seemed forced - we didn't even learn the motive of the villain. This humanoid went great lengths to disguise his form despite the fact its form could be seen in the water. An animal villain makes more sense than a humanlike one here. The idea with the dark swan reflection is great, so it's dissappointing you ruined it with the humanoid. Give the dark swan more offesive magic and keep him in that form.

Keep writing and f**k jaded "pros".
Sure, it might look like you tried to divert attention from uneventfulness, events that were cliche on their own, but that wasn't the goal here and/or you achieved something redeemingly good.

I've read dozens of books on creative writing and have written for years. I'm not that much versed in poetry, but those whose work I critiqued found it helpful. Apparently I can tell a good flow, rhyme, imagery etc. when I see one.

Best wishes.
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:iconeverlasting90:
Everlasting90 Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I did feel his comment was pretentious. I know there are some things that need work. This was just a little unofficial snippet as to give people a taste of the story.

Thank you for your comment and encouragement. I knew when I got into anything art-related, I was going to get many different opinions. My thing is: If you are content and satisfied with the product you distribute, then that's all that matters. Thanks again :thanks:
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:iconpedigri:
Pedigri Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, but one should never be so content with himself and his work that he refuses to learn or even acknowledge the possibility of improvement. You seem to have the humility to know that there are things that could use work and that's a good sign. One cannot solve problems without acknowledging the problem even exists:)

And you're welcome:)
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:iconirixian:
Irixian Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Professional Writer
This is very clunky and amateurish. If I had to make a single suggestion from the hundreds that come to mind, it would be to not use words like "gorgonizing" or "atramentous" when it's clear that you're only using them to punch up sentences that lack enough substance to stand on their own with a more normal vernacular.

When you force words upon your readers in otherwise simply-constructed sentences, rather than draw attention to your skill as a writer, they appear as red flags that shriek, "I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK TO PUT HERE SO I WENT TO THESAURUS.COM AND PICKED SOMETHING WELL BEYOND MY LEVEL OF INTELLECT OR CLASS!"

This needs a lot of work. I actually took the time to read it beyond the first sentence, which is strange for me with something like this. I felt the need to leave you an honest review because the coddling you've been receiving is a disservice to you when, in reality, your writing needs a lot of work.
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:iconeverlasting90:
Everlasting90 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, thanks for your opinion.
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:iconirixian:
Irixian Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Professional Writer
my pleasure. Every field has to be plowed before it can bear fruit. You don't grow anything worthwhile by spreading bullshit on unbroken earth ;)
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:iconeverlasting90:
Everlasting90 Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :thanks:
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:iconejm-photography:
EJM-Photography Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012
fantastic :D you should be proud! i too am writing a novel but your skills put mine to shame haha!
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:iconeverlasting90:
Everlasting90 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:blush: Oh, stop.

You can post writings on here, too. Why don't you post a little snippet of something? I'd love to read it. :D
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